| Cold Opening | Operation Pedophile Not |
| Patrick Stewart | ... | Andy Jensen |
| Ellen Cleghorne | ... | patron |
| Phil Hartman | ... | Ted |
| Tim Meadows | ... | Michael Jackson Live |
| Julia Sweeney | ... | Theresa |
| Sarah Silverman | ... | patron |
| Rudy Ruggiero | ... | patron |
⁕The establishing shot of the China Club was later used for various Roxbury Guys sketches.