| Cold Opening | A Message From Jeff Gillooly |
| Show | Thugs |
| Musical Performance | "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" |
| Sketch | Scared Straight |
| Sketch | Bike Messenger |
| Musical Performance | "Afternoons & Coffeespoons" |
| Sketch | Bench Warmer |
| Cold Opening | A Message From Jeff Gillooly |
| Rob Schneider | ... | Jeff Gillooly Live |
| Don Pardo | ... | announcer Voice |
| Show | Thugs |
| Phil Hartman | ... | Eugene Carl Murdock |
| Rob Schneider | ... | victim |
| Norm MacDonald | ... | victim |
| Fred Wolf | ... | police officer Voice |
| Weekend Update |
| Kevin Nealon | ||
| Norm MacDonald |
Commentary on Michael Jackson | |
| David Spade |
| Sketch | Scared Straight |
| Chris Farley | ... | Matt Foley |
| Phil Hartman | ... | Warden Hammersly |
| Tim Meadows | ... | juvenile |
| Adam Sandler | ... | juvenile |
| Rob Schneider | ... | juvenile |
| David Spade | ... | juvenile |
| Jay Mohr | ... | juvenile |
| Sketch | Bike Messenger |
| Ellen Cleghorne | ... | passerby |
| Phil Hartman | ... | passerby |
| Mike Myers | ... | bike messenger |
| Adam Sandler | ... | passerby |
| Rob Schneider | ... | paperboy |
| David Spade | ... | Stevie Siskin |
| Julia Sweeney | ... | passerby |
| Norm MacDonald | ... | passerby |
| Jay Mohr | ... | passerby |
| Sketch | Bench Warmer |
| Phil Hartman | ... | coach |
| Tim Meadows | ... | Will George |
| Jay Mohr | ... | player |
| Dave Attell | ... | spectator |
| Steve Koren | ... | spectator |
| Steve Lookner | ... | spectator |
| Lew Morton | ... | spectator |
| Fred Wolf | ... | player |
| Cold Opening | A Message From Jeff Gillooly |
| Rob Schneider | ... | Jeff Gillooly Live |
| Don Pardo | ... | announcer Voice |
| Monologue |
⁕In reruns, a portion of the monologue is removed due to Martin Lawrence's graphic discussion of feminine hygiene, and is replaced with an explanation and voiceover by Jim Downey. To fill time, a Tom Schiller film entitled "Laura" featuring Melanie Hutsell is shown later in the episode.
| Show | Thugs |
| Martin Lawrence | ... | Clarence Darnell |
| John Henry Kurtz | ... | announcer Voice |
| Phil Hartman | ... | Eugene Carl Murdock |
| Rob Schneider | ... | victim |
| Norm MacDonald | ... | victim |
| Fred Wolf | ... | police officer Voice |
♬Inner Circle - "Bad Boys"
| Show |
| Martin Lawrence | ||
| Phil Hartman | ... | announcer Voice |
| Al Franken | ... | Stuart Smalley |
⁕This sketch is replaced with the dress rehearsal version in reruns, and the word "ass" is bleeped.
| Weekend Update |
| Kevin Nealon | ||
| Norm MacDonald |
Commentary on Michael Jackson | |
| David Spade |
| Sketch | Scared Straight |
| Martin Lawrence | ... | Deshawn Powers |
| Chris Farley | ... | Matt Foley |
| Phil Hartman | ... | Warden Hammersly |
| Tim Meadows | ... | juvenile |
| Adam Sandler | ... | juvenile |
| Rob Schneider | ... | juvenile |
| David Spade | ... | juvenile |
| Jay Mohr | ... | juvenile |
⁕Most of this sketch is replaced with the dress rehearsal version in reruns. In the live show, Chris Farley accidentally says "comey with the home roars" instead of "homey with the cornrows".
| Sketch | Bike Messenger |
| Martin Lawrence | ... | passerby |
| Ellen Cleghorne | ... | passerby |
| Phil Hartman | ... | passerby |
| Mike Myers | ... | bike messenger |
| Adam Sandler | ... | passerby |
| Rob Schneider | ... | paperboy |
| David Spade | ... | Stevie Siskin |
| Julia Sweeney | ... | passerby |
| Norm MacDonald | ... | passerby |
| Jay Mohr | ... | passerby |
⁕This sketch originally appeared at the 02.12.1994 dress rehearsal, in which Alec Baldwin played Mike Myers' role.
| Sketch | Bench Warmer |
| Martin Lawrence | ... | Ray Morris |
| Henry Simmons | ... | Johnny |
| Phil Hartman | ... | coach |
| Tim Meadows | ... | Will George |
| Jay Mohr | ... | player |
| Dave Attell | ... | spectator |
| Steve Koren | ... | spectator |
| Steve Lookner | ... | spectator |
| Lew Morton | ... | spectator |
| Fred Wolf | ... | player |
| Jeffrey Reeves | ... | referee |
⁕In reruns, some alternate camera angles are used.
| Total Appearances | Characters | Impressions | Voices | Stills | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Martin Lawrence | 7 | 1 | |||
| Crash Test Dummies | 2 | ||||
| Henry Simmons | 1 | ||||
| John Henry Kurtz | 1 | 1 | |||
| Ellen Cleghorne | 1 | ||||
| Chris Farley | 2 | 1 | |||
| Phil Hartman | 5 | 1 | |||
| Melanie Hutsell | 1 | 1 | |||
| Tim Meadows | 3 | 1 | |||
| Mike Myers | 1 | ||||
| Kevin Nealon | 1 | ||||
| Adam Sandler | 2 | ||||
| Rob Schneider | 4 | 1 | |||
| David Spade | 3 | 1 | |||
| Julia Sweeney | 1 | ||||
| Al Franken | 1 | 1 | |||
| Norm MacDonald | 4 | ||||
| Jay Mohr | 3 | ||||
| Sarah Silverman | |||||
| Dave Attell | 1 | ||||
| Steve Koren | 1 | ||||
| Steve Lookner | 1 | ||||
| Lew Morton | 1 | ||||
| Don Pardo | 1 | 1 | |||
| Fred Wolf | 2 | 1 | |||
| Jeffrey Reeves | 1 | ||||
| 51 | 3 | 4 | 4 |