| Cold Opening | Military Briefing |
| Dana Carvey | ... | reporter |
| Phil Hartman | ... | Dick Cheney |
| Jan Hooks | ... | reporter |
| Mike Myers | ... | reporter |
| Kevin Nealon | ... | Lt. Colonel William Pierson Live |
| Chris Farley | ... | reporter |
| Tim Meadows | ... | reporter |
| Julia Sweeney | ... | reporter |
| Rob Schneider | ... | Farud Hashami |
| Leslie Carangi | ... | reporter |
| Tom Davis | ... | reporter |
| Conan O'Brien | ... | reporter |
⁕In reruns, Tim Meadows' question is replaced with the dress rehearsal version. In the live show, he is wearing the facial prosthetics used to play Colin Powell later in the episode.