| Sketch | No Taint “Taint-less Ted” |
| Conan O'Brien | ... | doctor |
| Will Ferrell | ... | Freddy Gandon |
| Ana Gasteyer | ... | nurse |
| Tracy Morgan | ... | guy Voice |
| Chris Parnell | ... | Gary St. Laurel /announcer Voice |
| Horatio Sanz | ... | Ted Brown |
| Rachel Dratch | ... | Mrs. Brown |
⁕In reruns, everything except the first scene is replaced with the dress rehearsal version.
♬Régis Peters - "Painted Desert"